So I know it has been a very long time since I last did a blog post but I have a lot of stuff to share with you. Over the past few months I have grown a lot and I can finally tell all of you about me and the struggles I've recently gone through.
I broke things off with my boyfriend a few months ago where it all became a little crazy. I met him at my previous work where he asked me out.
Now let me describe the situation...
He is a business man in a designer suit drinking whisky. I'm a waitress. He calls me over after my shift and offers me a drink, I don't usually do this but I'd been serving him and his colleagues for over a year and banter was constantly going between us. So being an independent woman I got my own drink. Sitting next to him I felt insignificant until I realised that he couldn't sit still or actually look me in the eye for longer than me to really notice, I then realised he was shy and nervous while talking to me without his 'mates' around.
We went outside for a smoke and he asked me out on a date.
Thus started this whirl wind relationship lasting almost a year wherein certain restaurants we became "that" regular couple I had always served and wished I'd one day be... Known by our names, great service and in fact we had become such regulars at this one place that majority of the waiters knew what we ordered and in whichever way our mood predisposed. He took me on amazing holidays and spoilt me to wild nights out at some of the most amazing restaurants. He showed me what the good life was like.
The parties, gosh the parties! Were like something out of The Great Gatsby and I, was his Daisy.
Partying with some amazing people, some immensely influential people that had come to adore me. I felt like I belonged there. He made me feel like I could relax, enjoy myself and let loose a little as he had become my protector. He could have had any of the gorgeous women surrounding him but he chose me. He would parade me around like his most treasured show pony, I mean what woman doesn't want to feel that important?
I was convinced he was the man, well at least, until one night...
He was talking to his mate about attending a certain event. He offered to buy the tickets and told his mate that we'd pick him up the next day. I looked him in the eyes and asked if he had really just bought the tickets... that's when he said to me "I just sell the dream, baby". At this moment so many questions came to me... how many dreams had he sold me? Was everything we had become a lie? Was he really the man I thought he was? What happened to that sweet, shy man in his suit? He, in an instant became a stranger, in shorts and a wife beater with wild hair.
He had sold me the dream I had always fantasised... A Prince Charming.
To be honest, every girl wants a Prince Charming, he is simply a fictional character... I mean we're not exactly the Disney princesses we read about as kids. We are all human. We all have our flaws and quirks. I just wasn't sure if I could trust what we had anymore.
Many people had warned me about this life we were living and all the struggles that came with it... all the influences... the choices... right or wrong.
At this moment I realised it was time I evaluated my relationship and my personal situation. I found that I had changed too. I no longer had my tiny figure. I had pushed most of my girlfriends away. I lost my passion for life. I had, let, myself go.
I had lost touch with reality and found myself floating in the clouds of a dream land, that I was in part accountable for...
Thinking about it now, I had in part, sold him a dream too. In the beginning of our romance we had agreed that we didn't want to repeat our parent's mistakes of poor communication, so we made a pact that we would speak, no matter the weight, how good or bad it was. But by the end we had stopped speaking to each other about everything.
We had become two lost souls just going through the ritualistic motions.
I realised I was heading for rock bottom and needed to get out. My only issue was that he'd never 'really' done me wrong and I did still love him, or so I had convinced myself. We broke up but I found myself still spending time with him, still running back, still worrying about him. I found myself in a very dark place where I was crying myself to sleep, depressed and stressed out. I felt like the floor below me had broken and I was falling, looking up at what we had, clinging to the cracks that had now become the very abyss I was falling into. I hit the bottle thinking that it would help me escape for at least one night but I found nothing but sadness at the bottom of each bottle and a headache at the start of every day.
I woke up to many drunk sent texts and calls pondering what had happened or how I'd got myself to that point.
One night I woke up in my car, on the side of the road, crying my eyes out when the police pulled up next to me and asked if they could help. I was crying too hard, that I could not even speak. Eventually the lady cop jumped out the van and came to my window where she realised that I was drunk, I mean, way over the limit. She simply told me to move over and said "I'm taking you home honey". I had never heard such sweet words from a complete stranger... the van followed us as the lady drove my car to make sure I got back home safe.
Over the next few months I received call after call after messages from my ex, all about how he messed up and wanted me back. I had become a different person though... and quite frankly, so had he.
Somewhere in the crazy mess that had become my life, my dearest and longest standing friend called me to hang out. That night I met up with some of the old girls from primary school days. We had an awesome catch up evening filled with laughs, cries and total honesty moments. After going to a few of these get-togethers, I realised that even though I might have lost some old friends, they were clearly in my life over a period for a reason, a lesson... I looked around the room and found myself surrounded by people who actually meant something to me and I to them. Women that will laugh at you when you fall in your heels, but only after lending a hand. Women that celebrate the fact that we are the hottest 'old chicks' in the club. They took me under their wings and gave me the advice I needed, right when I needed it.
If it weren't for my crazy girlfriends saving me, well, I don't want to even imagine it.
So what did I learn from all of this you ask? Well I learnt that people aren't always how they portray themselves no matter how real you may be and the biggest most important lesson of all... Girlfriends are and should always be your rocks. They may be spread all over the world but they will remain in your memories and heart.
After all, who are you going to swoon over the boys with? ;)